- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I want to have a social life, but I hate people too much.
- I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.
- Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
- Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one. It' shine to be proud of it. But don't whip it out in public and please don't try to shove it down my children's throats.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will actually look forward to the trip.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
- I think I might be emotionally constipated because I haven't given a shit in days.
These are the ones I can remember. There are many more, but I just can't think of them right now.
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