Who the hell came up with the idea of exams...? I want to punch them in the face!

This year I came to the point that I no longer care about exams....

On Saturday I went to the Vedanta centre and borrowed the Bhagavad Gita! It's such an amazing book. It seems like it's a book of all my thoughts and ideas put on paper neatly (does this sentence even make sense...?). Unfortunately I have to give it back this Saturday...
Instead of studying for my French exams I decided to take a walk. If you know me personally you probably know that I hate going for walks outside unless it's very important. It was raining, but I still went outside... Don't ask me why. I've been acting strange lately.
For the past couple of days I can't get the idea of being trapped out of my head. Remember when you were little you made houses out of shoe boxes? (Don't tell me you didn't!) This is how I see the world. You are trapped inside the little doll-house shoe box with cardboard cut-outs and glitter... And you can't get out of it. This is how I feel now.
It all reminds me of the first anime series I ever watched. I saw it in 6th grade and it is called Haibane Renmei. It's a story about a girl who lives in a town that is surrounded by walls. No one knows what is behind these walls and no one is allowed to leave the town or even go close to these walls. All the Haibane (the grey-winged) eventually leave the town at "the day of departure". Some think of it as death and others think of it as being let free.
When I was watching it I think I took the story too literally. Now I can say that I understand the meaning behind the story.
So now I have a question. Could death be considered as a release? The only way I could get out of the little shoe box world is by.... Dying...? No! That's not true at all... But how else can I leave this place..?
Maybe no one would mind if I leave this world. Could everything be just an illusion? It seems like all the people around me care so much, but it could just be.... That none of them really exist!

That's the first time I have ever considered dying an option. I will try to take my mind off this crazy idea. 

The three wishes.

Today in Art Ms. Campbell wasn't there so Mini-Perron (or Fleure) was our substitute. She was just sitting there, on her computer, doing something, so we had the whole class time to ourselves (as long as we are quiet). Franny and I were talking to each other in our secret language and Yasmin was thinking that we were talking about her all the time. We talked about Katja, how we wanted to meet her and how the three of us would be best friends again. And we also talked about ipdiipching ipyasipmin. Comprendo?
Dr. Why? asked us that if we had three wishes what would they be? Franny said that she would wish for peace in the world and no dying babies. After a while she said that she would want Katja to be back too. Dr. Yaz said it was wrong because it would be smarter to wish for an infinity of wishes. Smarter? Zoom in! Who is smarter? Dr. Why (where you born)?
Wishing for peace in the world is a bit dumb too. Depends how you mean it. If you mean "nothing bad in the world" than you haven't thought about it. There obviously can't be only "good" things in the world. Some people consider arguing a bad thing, but arguing is what we live for. Our life is a battle. Some babies should die because that's how it was "written" at the beginning*. We fight for our survival without us noticing it. Somebody lied to us? Someone betrayed us? We fight. We try not to give up or we argue to protect ourselves. That's what sins are for. For living, yes!!!

" 'Imagine you had two cows, but one of them was very weak and gave less milk than the other one. You had to kill one. Which one would you kill?'
'I would kill the weak one.'
'Why?'
'Because if the weak cow had a baby it would be twice as weak as its mother, but the strong cow's baby would be twice as strong as its mother.' " - Sophie's World

*I took the word "written" from "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It's such a good book!

Sonya's world.

At lunch time I go to the library again. The weather is still cold (WHEN WILL IT BE SUMMER AGAIN?).
In the library I search for "Sophie's world". The computer tells me the shelf number and the name of the author. I borrow it.
Hugging the book, I go downstairs to find Yasmin's bag next to the Saleve entrance. And I think of Hilde! I look around. Yasmin is nowhere to be seen. I quickly put the book in the bag and walk away.
"What the heck?" whispers Yasmin in English class, while opening her bag. She reads the title and looks around the class. She stops on me. I smile.
"I told you I would get it for you!" I whisper to her.

Real things.

Sometimes you feel like you need a friend. I have many friends, even best friends, but I've got no good friends.

I put my bag on the bench, thinking about friendship. What's friendship? People would say that a real friend is the one who would listen to your problem, give some advice, the one who's interested in what you're interested, etc. That's what I used to say before.
Still influenced by last afternoon, when I was rereading my old blog, I think of Katja and Peter. Katja was a friend I had always trusted. But we've never shared problems and never gave advice (I mean "friendship" sort of advice) to each other either. We were always "fine" or "good" or "I'm ok and you?". I tried to act "ok" in front of her. I've learnt from her and she learned from me. But was it because she was born with the same interests as me? Was it because we were supposed to be friends from the very beginning?
I need friends who can change to be like me, but a little better. People who want me to change are no good friends for me. I'll change if I feel like it. (For example I don't want to dislike classical music like Franny, but I may want to know so much interesting stuff like Yasmin.)
Now Peter. He had been my first best friends who was a boy. Then he became my boyfriend because people kept calling us a couple, so we were getting annoyed of refusing to them. I kind of miss those "I love you" notes and these "hugs and kisses" texts on skype. When I was with him, I wasn't being myself. I was trying to act better and...
So, basically, friends are made for you to change yourself in a good way. And since I don't want to change right now, I don't have any good friends.

Lunch time. Satisfied with my answer, I go to the lunch room. I don't want to talk to anybody. Where can I go to hide from people? Suddenly, I think of the library. It's a calm place with a few people and it's quite warm there. I "climb up" the Cervin stairs and meet Franny and Yasmin on the way. They've just watched something about vegetarians and Yasmin cried. What did she cry about? Killed animals or something that can convince you to be a vegy?
In the library, I try to find somethin about philosophy. "Biology, Chemistry, History..." I whisper while looking through the shelves. On the philosophy shelf I see a bunch of fat books with serious titles. Philosophy books are mixed up with astronomy books (while on the astronomy books shelf there are astrology and ufology books). "The third eye", "Oxford philosophy dictionary", "The history of philosophy," I read through the titles. There's nothing interesting for me. I don't need dictionaries or school books.
So I go to the "Adult books" section and choose "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho.
At least something...

If you don't find enough purple in life, look at me.

Why did vacation finish?
Why?
I try to make my life more purple (by drawing random purple things in my agenda), but it doesn't help! I hate it!
I finished reading my philosophy book (Sophie's World). I cried at the end, but I still reccomend it to you. I'm really sad that it finished... I wanted to read MORE.