i think i'll delete this blog

dunno why but i like suddenly remembered about this blog today and was like shiiit there's so much on here like it's literally my life ever since i was 11 woah
so yeah there's so much info idk i just thought about it
so maybe i'll delete this some time but on the other hand im kinda sentimental about it lol oh well

gotta keep posting or i'll abandon this again

so speaking of year 10 nostalgia, i got a very interesting parcel in the mail the other day. like it was a cardboard box with my name on it and i was like hmm i didnt order anything..?.?? inside the parcel there was a yearbook from 2013-14! with photos of me and ma gang from yr 10 woww like why now?
anyway i looked at the photos like aw we were all so smol and then i like thought about everything back from that time period lol woww i mean yhh i kinda miss it i guess
hearing about the shooting in orlando made me sick and these fuckers wanna blame everything on muslims like bitch fix those fucking gun laws
i had a history exam on monday and it went so well!!!11?.,,?!!!,.1? like i just spoke for 10 mins str8 and my teacher didnt even correct me or ask questions. im still not over it like im so fckn happy! <333
my life is finally starting to get back on track. it's weird. i dont know if i like it or not. like i think i do enjoy life atm but im convincing myself that i dont bc dasha doesnt and i feel kinda bad and guilty even tho it's not my fault. i feel like everything is gonna be uphill from now on and i feel... good. like i kno what im doing and what i want to do l8r and idk it's nice ^_^

long time no see woah

yasmin messaged me yesterday and i was like holyy shittt bc like i dont even know where to start. my life is so different from what it was a year ago.
i went to a music festival yesterday and it was gr8. dancing is so liberating! i think i should take up dancing classes or sth bc it feels rly good))
after the festival sara and i went for a drink and talked about life and she said that she misses having a group of friends. and i was like gurl same bc now i have a lot of friends but like separate friends. it would be cool to have your own "clique" and hang out all together. i dont remember when i last had a "clique". like last year it was SVC but that didnt last long. i guess in year 10 i had a group but at times i rly felt like i didnt belong there oh well. but yh it would be cool to have a circle of friends who you're always with.
speaking of my past groups of friends, i decided to have a look at what i posted exactly a year ago/two years ago  and oh my gahd

30th of May 2015:
Another thing, a guy was hitting on me yesterday and he said "hey, nice socks, are you emo?". So, yeah, I managed to look emo without even listening to MCR. BMTH is amazing, by the way!!!
ffs whyyyy??
but hey there's worse. prepare for the ultimate cringe

22nd of May 2014:
Started watching Mirai Nikki today. Apparently it's supposed to be a very bloody anime, but it's been all romance-lovey-dovey so far. And I don't like that. I quite like the fact that Yuno's yandere though. My kind of person. Mwahahaha beware!
I'm going on a hike with my nakama this Saturday and I'm quite excited for it! I always pretend that I'm in the world of One Piece whenever I'm with them. I guess if we were all Straw Hat pirates, I would be Nami, Rosa would be Robin, Misha would be Sanji, Charlik would be Zoro and Matthew-chan would be Chopper. Maybe I should create that in photoshop! My life is sad...
fcking weaboo yes your life is sad

im probably still as cringy but hey im improving kay

holy fcking shit you guys

so... when did i last post? like november?? my last post is so depressing like wow whyy..? weird :/

anyways..... as you can imagine, so many things have changed. the reason i logged onto this blog today is bc i was feeling kinda nostalgic about last year (oh god here i go again). so much has changed! everything is so different nowadays! (no shit but really.) this time last year i was doing my igcse exams, complaining about life, listening to weird emo music, reading fanfiction, feeling very fucking heartbroken lololol oh my xD i mean i still complain about life, but oh man. it's amazing what a simple 12 months can do to you.

i still havent figured out what i wanna do with my life. maybe drop out of school? who knows. ive been realllly into politics lately. like fuckk i just love politics. and history. and politics. like it's taken over my life haha))) like wow last year i was this girl obsessing over youtubers, but now im known for having a poster of khodorkovsky in my room and strange surkov sketches.... what am i becoming?) 

It's all about us all about us we'll run away if we must cause you know oooooo

I don't even know what this is going to be about.

I remember about a week ago I was walking home listening to that one song and I heard... hope...? Like I just felt the exact same feeling I felt when I first heard it. Yeah this blog is just me being like "oh that song the feels wow much emotion lol". 

But seriously it hurts like a bitch because the one time I actually thought this was leading somewhere it turned out I was simply being stupid and delusional why why ughhh........

I didn't know "Map of the Problematique" was written about me.

The other day I was told that I became vulnerable because before I was always like "lol I don't have feelings" but now I get upset over the smallest things. It will be over soon 

Dasha came over yesterday. We had a lovely talk about depression. What is she? You know, after moments like these I don't want to live any more. Life seems too ordinary and simple. It's like I don't want to go back, you know. Dasha said she no longer listens to music. I force myself to listen to music to distract myself but it's not helping much i guess

Un-buh-lievable

^ Natalie Tran anyone...?

So you know how we all have this one thing we just can't wrap our minds around. Like some people can't understand the concept of death or birth. I've heard some say that the concept of seeing someone who is dead on a photo really confuses them. And it's not that they can't comprehend death, it's just the thought and the realisation that that person is dead now... (My talents include starting a sentence and not being able to finish it, noice.) Yeah that realisation like woah this is some next level shit right 'ere! Okay I literally can't explain a thing. Let's start again.

So I just can't wrap my head around the fact that when I started school (2005 wowza) there was no one who was born past the year 2000. And now only a small portion (senior year) of students who go there were born before that. Like what. What. No but think about it. When I was 6 in my first year of school I was the youngest one. I enjoyed life, learnt my addition and subtraction, read my fairytales... And meanwhile someone was 16. Someone was going through the things I'm going through now. Mind blown. No but like I can't comprehend this........ 

Went for a run today woah much sports very exercise

"It's so nice to see a smile on your face!"

yh a fake one lol

*sniff sniff*

So I haven't posted anything in October oops :/ A lot of things happened in October and a lot of things didn't. There was half-term break, I met up with Franny after two years! It was really great and we went to Hugo Boss to recreate the photo we took in 7th Grade. 

Also I made this masterpiece:

basically this is how normal people stay happy

 this is me:

Um yeah...
Also since this blog is like a character development/self discovery kinda thing, I guess I should write about this here. I'm now an extrovert. Wowww.... Well if you ask me how on earth that happened, here's the thing, it's my defence mechanism. Basically I realised that I charge my energy by being around people rather than being by myself. So, for example, in the past, when I hang out with my friends on Friday, I needed to stay home on Saturday to recharge. Now I'm the complete opposite and find being alone really tiring. But here's the thing okay okay listen 'ere. It's not because I worked on myself and faced my problems as a former introvert. Nuh-uh. The thing is, I love being around people because it distracts me from my problems. When I'm by myself I can't escape the unpleasant things I have to face/solve/deal with, but when I'm around people I forget and feel a lot happier. For example, let's say I have an English essay to write for Monday. If I'm at home by myself, I'll have to do it or face the "harsh reality" of doing it. But then - ooo, brilliant idea! - I invite my friends over so that I'm "busy" and there is no possibility of me having to write it. Is the essay gonna write by itself though? No. Yeah idek....
This post was so disgustingly self-centred wow.
so yeah because of my extroverted-ness I'm lonely af halp I need people please invite me to a party or something so I can forget about life

Goats in trees

Do you have any songs that like physically hurt you? Like I was listening to "Foster the People" today omggg TT__TT It made me think of Year 11 and how I used to go to the library. I had such big dreams, what happened? I remember being kinda lonely, but also really happy because (I thought) I had a big future ahead of me. I also got reallly into phan and started reading phanfiction omg those were the days. Thinking whether I still had feelings for Charlie and realising I no longer did... Also getting close to Dasha. Those meaningful conversations about the end of the world, rereading "Battle Royale" and starting my book. Yeah my book, that was a thing wow. But then discovering I have to go to public school, listening to Muse in the dark with a cup of coffee at midnight. The taste of that sandwich from the library wending machine. And how cold it was and I was wearing my yellow jacket. Waiting for the tram to come, oh how cold it was, but I felt so warm on the inside. What is grammar? English grammar? Never heard of that. Tsh what even is punctuation? I don't even know... maybe i should stop using capital letters to keep the aesthetic

He remembers looking at it when he was a little boy, finding it strangely amusing how the bulging screen distorted his bony figure, making his dark blue shorts appear several sizes bigger, increasing the gap between his lanky-looking legs. He remembers it so clearly: the scruffy armchairs with velvet cushions, the croaky parquet with missing pieces, the old particles of dust, moving around the room in a calm waltz of satisfying disorder. He remembers the stack of magazines on the wood-smelling floor and a yellowing new year’s greeting card from 1989. He remembers all the little unnoticeable details of a place, which no longer exists. Is it a memory? Nothing is happening in that still picture, but, yet, sitting in front of a black computer screen, he scents its dilapidating atmosphere once again, almost smelling its soundless serenity.

much cringe very regret

So I added a couple of people from my new school on facebook and realised... My facebook page is so cringy! 14-year-old me why why whyyyyy what's up with the "omg im so randum lolzor" posts god ugh it physically hurts!!! So yeah I spent some time deleting a couple of profile pictures because ugh why why why what was I thinking...............???
Also I'm joining a collab channel on YouTube yasss <3 can't wait ^_^ 

Still loving you

Click click click
^ co0l montage m8 8/8 lolzor!!!1!!!1!!

Never thought I'd say this but....................

I kinda miss chemistry class.
Okay okay, what I mean is we're learning about isotopes now and I did that two years ago. Two years of having those facts engraved in your mind in Mrs Lakshmi's voice! And now I'm doing it all over again. I finish the exercises given in minutes, while everyone else is confused and takes ages. Ughhh I hate being two years behind! It's the same with maths! I've done simultaneous equations in Year 10! Like, okay, it's easy, but I want to learn new things!
yeah anywayssss

Writing is killing me

           “You look kinda sad today,” the voice of the purple haired girl echoes in the two parallel worlds of mirror reflection.

            He can see it in front of him. The strange, yet familiar, sadness in his eyes. They look orange under the bright bathroom light, irises encircled by a thin trail of brown. Brown, the colour associated with the warmth of chocolate and caramel, the colour of comfort and strength, is twisted into its complete opposite by two instruments of sight. He stares. They stare back. The cold orange-tinted eyes reflect the mirror image in their glacial rigidity, distorting the transformed image into that of an infinite parallel reality. Resembling a menacing layer of ice on the still surface of bristly-cold water, the untouched worlds and speckled patterns shine from deep under the plane of the iris. Intertwined curlicues of muscle tissue form tiny notions of unexplored universes, urging to the deep well of the pupil. The well he is drawn into. The abyss that is consuming and ominously inviting. The hole he is falling in.

            What if Stephen does not care?

Why am I doing this to myself? Why? Why?
Anyway... I started school yeah it's pretty chill. I probably had the best first day experience ever because this time I actually had the confidence to enjoy myself.

Change

You know how they say that it's great to listen to the songs you've listened to when you were sad and realise how happy you are now. But can we talk about being sad and listening to the music you listened to when you were happy. Yeah it's kind of heartbreaking.
I started writing again. It's great. It's frustrating. It makes me angry, but I get extremely happy whenever I use semicolons or complicated figures of speech. It's great.

“Good luck,” Stephen laughs. A small zephyr melts the heat as transparent lace-like clouds form in the pale sky. Their shadow covers up the sunned fields of wheat, creating a moment that does not bear the definition of time. It is like the conversation is omnipresent and can be found in absolutely everything. As he walks, the grey walls of dirty mundane buildings trap him in the passage of heavy memories. Every corner pierces him, reminding him of Stephen’s distant voice. He is compressed; he is trapped. The conversation haunts him. Every little word, every sentence said, every distorted sound of the poor internet connection. It is engraved in the mundane walls and the sunned fields of wheat. It is engraved in the transparent lace-like clouds. It is engraved in him.

Man, I love it. I love writing. Doodled my OCs this morning.
Also I'm almost at 1k followers on instagram! Yas! <3
Listening to music that I used to love when I still had big dreams. The taste of coffee, fur coat, the smell of winter in the dark. It hurts a bit.

IGCSE results gahhhhh!!

So I got my IGCSE results back today. Holy crappu! Didn't expect any of that. You know how I always go on about how much I hate Literature and how it's useless and all that... I spent the whole of Year 11 doing nothing in that class. Absolutely nothing. I would message Dasha, draw on my desk, stare into space. I only handed in one essay throughout the entire year and guess what?! 91%!!! What? How?
History A* was expected. I have a shrine dedicated to that subject, after all.
A for Art! What? I was aiming for like a C. Maybe a B. 86% wow!
Another pleasant surprise 68% in French! I passed! Okay, that might sound a bit pathetic, but my French grammar is awful, I can't speak it, it's my 3rd language and the exam was for native speakers. I'm so happy! <3
Now this is what shocked me the most. I got an A in Chemistry! And not just an A, an 89% A! What? I couldn't remember my ion analysis on the actual day of the exam. What sorcery is this?
Also, surprise! I didn't fail Physics! I got a B yesss! I don't even know how. I remember the day before the exam, Dasha and I tried to learn the formulae and I barely knew them. I read about the Gulags during that class! How did I get a B?
Maths didn't really surprise me.
Biology. Eh. I thought I'd get a B, but I got an A.
My highest was German. That exam was a joke.
Okay, now English language. Oh my... Basically, I wrote gay fanfiction for that exam. Gay fanfiction. That's my life achievement, okay? Like I'll put that on my CV or whatever. I can just imagine the examiner correcting my work like woah the way she compared his eyes to the blue sky is so creative dat metaphor, oh wait...They're kissing! No that's a sin! 0/10! Who am I kidding? My writing was probably bad xD But a B isn't that bad so I'm satisfied.
Moral of the story: don't take your exams seriously! ^_^ I gave up on studying and fooled around with my friends a lot, but didn't fail any of them. Also, I will never forgive the people who chose exam studying over hanging out with me. <3

I'm trash. My secret account has 400 followers now. What even? Also, I posted this pic on tumblr and it got 200 notes 0.0

Title?

So I've been studying Economics, Law and French Literature. It's going well I guess.
Started writing again, which is kind of relaxing.
Anything else?
Nah...

Suddenly, he can distinguish the familiar essence of words. They speak out of the screen with the sound of crunchy autumn leaves and the smell of fresh spring sunshine. They feel like the piercing January snow, which burns ungloved hands with the fire of coldness. They smell like morning-flavoured conditioned air and the sound of a crow’s call. They shine out of the damp-coloured darkness with the light of hope. They stand out like a peculiar-shaped purple ink blob on the boring-lined schoolbook. They are happiness. 

Oh god

Guys, guys... I now have a tumblr. Hell froze over. I have a tumblr. And not just any tumblr. A tumblr fan page. First I started writing fanfiction, now this. Someone save me. I disgust myself. I'm trash. Yeah idek...

Top 5 Books to Read

1Q84 Haruki Murakami 

To be honest, I could’ve never imagined that I would finish this 900 page novel. I remember I was at the book store with a friend and picked up 1Q84 because it was the biggest book on the shelf. Jokingly, I said that I would never be able to even get half way through it and wouldn’t expect anyone to finish it all. But, as soon as I read the first sentence, I knew that I would not be able to put it down. Why? Because Murakami is a genius. I don’t know how he does that, but the book is written in such a way that you are drawn in by its first words and can’t stop yourself from turning the pages until you reach the last sentence. The language is in no way flowery or beautiful, but its straight-forward realism gives you such a vivid description of the setting and the characters that, by the end of the book, you feel like you know them personally.

Summary: 1Q84 follows the lives of Aomame, a fitness instructor, who kills unfaithful and violent men in revenge, and Tengo, who works as a mathematics teacher at a local cram school, while writing fiction in his free time. Although very different, their destinies are intertwined in the surreal world they both end up in.

The novel doesn’t have the typical “introduction-climax-resolution” structure, but is rather like a jigsaw puzzle, in which you can’t see the complete picture, until the last piece is put into place. In other words, as you read the story, it seems like a 900-page piece of description with barely any action, until you get to the last chapter and realise that everything has reached a conclusion.

Would I recommend the book? Definitely! 1Q84 (surprisingly) doesn’t force any kind of message on you. It doesn’t have the “moral of the story” and doesn’t leave you thinking. At least, that’s what I felt after I finished it. However, it did teach me a couple of things about writing and how you can structure a piece of writing in an alternative way. (It also taught me how depressing being an adult is.)

Side note: this was the only Murakami book I’ve read, so I can’t compare it to his other work. According to many internet reviews, this isn’t his best work, but, hey, I enjoyed it.

Read here

Have I abandoned this blog?

So much has happened since my last post ahhh...
I went to Moscow with Dasha and it was amazing!!! I don't think I've ever realised how beautiful Moscow is as a city. Once I was crossing the street, looking around with round eyes and almost got hit by a car. Yep. I also got lost that day. Isn't it so embarrassing to get lost in your home city? I went around in circles and asked strangers for help. So embarrassing...
It was great living with Dasha too. We stayed at her dacha for a bit and found vinyl records, which leads me to another exciting event
I GOT A VINYL RECORD PLAYER YASSSSS
I tried being emo and ended up being a hipster
The first album I got on vinyl was The Resistance by Muse. It was a tough choice, really. Absolution has the best songs, so I was very tempted to buy it, but I've always felt this connection to The Resistance. I'll get Absolution next time. And if I buy OOS I'll have to buy BHAR too and then I'll feel bad for T2L and Showbiz so I'll buy them too. And don't forget Drones! CHF24*6=CHF144 woops I don't have enough money for that ><

What should I post on dA?

Before I write anything else, can I just say that America legalised gay marriage and it's wonderful! The world is becoming a better place! So proud of America for celebrating love <3 

In other news, I've had economics and law tutoring and it's so interesting!!! I'm so glad I picked it as a subject for next year.

Also, I feel like my deviantART account has become useless :/