It's all about us all about us we'll run away if we must cause you know oooooo

I don't even know what this is going to be about.

I remember about a week ago I was walking home listening to that one song and I heard... hope...? Like I just felt the exact same feeling I felt when I first heard it. Yeah this blog is just me being like "oh that song the feels wow much emotion lol". 

But seriously it hurts like a bitch because the one time I actually thought this was leading somewhere it turned out I was simply being stupid and delusional why why ughhh........

I didn't know "Map of the Problematique" was written about me.

The other day I was told that I became vulnerable because before I was always like "lol I don't have feelings" but now I get upset over the smallest things. It will be over soon 

Dasha came over yesterday. We had a lovely talk about depression. What is she? You know, after moments like these I don't want to live any more. Life seems too ordinary and simple. It's like I don't want to go back, you know. Dasha said she no longer listens to music. I force myself to listen to music to distract myself but it's not helping much i guess

Un-buh-lievable

^ Natalie Tran anyone...?

So you know how we all have this one thing we just can't wrap our minds around. Like some people can't understand the concept of death or birth. I've heard some say that the concept of seeing someone who is dead on a photo really confuses them. And it's not that they can't comprehend death, it's just the thought and the realisation that that person is dead now... (My talents include starting a sentence and not being able to finish it, noice.) Yeah that realisation like woah this is some next level shit right 'ere! Okay I literally can't explain a thing. Let's start again.

So I just can't wrap my head around the fact that when I started school (2005 wowza) there was no one who was born past the year 2000. And now only a small portion (senior year) of students who go there were born before that. Like what. What. No but think about it. When I was 6 in my first year of school I was the youngest one. I enjoyed life, learnt my addition and subtraction, read my fairytales... And meanwhile someone was 16. Someone was going through the things I'm going through now. Mind blown. No but like I can't comprehend this........ 

Went for a run today woah much sports very exercise

"It's so nice to see a smile on your face!"

yh a fake one lol

*sniff sniff*

So I haven't posted anything in October oops :/ A lot of things happened in October and a lot of things didn't. There was half-term break, I met up with Franny after two years! It was really great and we went to Hugo Boss to recreate the photo we took in 7th Grade. 

Also I made this masterpiece:

basically this is how normal people stay happy

 this is me:

Um yeah...
Also since this blog is like a character development/self discovery kinda thing, I guess I should write about this here. I'm now an extrovert. Wowww.... Well if you ask me how on earth that happened, here's the thing, it's my defence mechanism. Basically I realised that I charge my energy by being around people rather than being by myself. So, for example, in the past, when I hang out with my friends on Friday, I needed to stay home on Saturday to recharge. Now I'm the complete opposite and find being alone really tiring. But here's the thing okay okay listen 'ere. It's not because I worked on myself and faced my problems as a former introvert. Nuh-uh. The thing is, I love being around people because it distracts me from my problems. When I'm by myself I can't escape the unpleasant things I have to face/solve/deal with, but when I'm around people I forget and feel a lot happier. For example, let's say I have an English essay to write for Monday. If I'm at home by myself, I'll have to do it or face the "harsh reality" of doing it. But then - ooo, brilliant idea! - I invite my friends over so that I'm "busy" and there is no possibility of me having to write it. Is the essay gonna write by itself though? No. Yeah idek....
This post was so disgustingly self-centred wow.
so yeah because of my extroverted-ness I'm lonely af halp I need people please invite me to a party or something so I can forget about life

Goats in trees

Do you have any songs that like physically hurt you? Like I was listening to "Foster the People" today omggg TT__TT It made me think of Year 11 and how I used to go to the library. I had such big dreams, what happened? I remember being kinda lonely, but also really happy because (I thought) I had a big future ahead of me. I also got reallly into phan and started reading phanfiction omg those were the days. Thinking whether I still had feelings for Charlie and realising I no longer did... Also getting close to Dasha. Those meaningful conversations about the end of the world, rereading "Battle Royale" and starting my book. Yeah my book, that was a thing wow. But then discovering I have to go to public school, listening to Muse in the dark with a cup of coffee at midnight. The taste of that sandwich from the library wending machine. And how cold it was and I was wearing my yellow jacket. Waiting for the tram to come, oh how cold it was, but I felt so warm on the inside. What is grammar? English grammar? Never heard of that. Tsh what even is punctuation? I don't even know... maybe i should stop using capital letters to keep the aesthetic

He remembers looking at it when he was a little boy, finding it strangely amusing how the bulging screen distorted his bony figure, making his dark blue shorts appear several sizes bigger, increasing the gap between his lanky-looking legs. He remembers it so clearly: the scruffy armchairs with velvet cushions, the croaky parquet with missing pieces, the old particles of dust, moving around the room in a calm waltz of satisfying disorder. He remembers the stack of magazines on the wood-smelling floor and a yellowing new year’s greeting card from 1989. He remembers all the little unnoticeable details of a place, which no longer exists. Is it a memory? Nothing is happening in that still picture, but, yet, sitting in front of a black computer screen, he scents its dilapidating atmosphere once again, almost smelling its soundless serenity.

much cringe very regret

So I added a couple of people from my new school on facebook and realised... My facebook page is so cringy! 14-year-old me why why whyyyyy what's up with the "omg im so randum lolzor" posts god ugh it physically hurts!!! So yeah I spent some time deleting a couple of profile pictures because ugh why why why what was I thinking...............???
Also I'm joining a collab channel on YouTube yasss <3 can't wait ^_^ 

Still loving you

Click click click
^ co0l montage m8 8/8 lolzor!!!1!!!1!!

Never thought I'd say this but....................

I kinda miss chemistry class.
Okay okay, what I mean is we're learning about isotopes now and I did that two years ago. Two years of having those facts engraved in your mind in Mrs Lakshmi's voice! And now I'm doing it all over again. I finish the exercises given in minutes, while everyone else is confused and takes ages. Ughhh I hate being two years behind! It's the same with maths! I've done simultaneous equations in Year 10! Like, okay, it's easy, but I want to learn new things!
yeah anywayssss

Writing is killing me

           “You look kinda sad today,” the voice of the purple haired girl echoes in the two parallel worlds of mirror reflection.

            He can see it in front of him. The strange, yet familiar, sadness in his eyes. They look orange under the bright bathroom light, irises encircled by a thin trail of brown. Brown, the colour associated with the warmth of chocolate and caramel, the colour of comfort and strength, is twisted into its complete opposite by two instruments of sight. He stares. They stare back. The cold orange-tinted eyes reflect the mirror image in their glacial rigidity, distorting the transformed image into that of an infinite parallel reality. Resembling a menacing layer of ice on the still surface of bristly-cold water, the untouched worlds and speckled patterns shine from deep under the plane of the iris. Intertwined curlicues of muscle tissue form tiny notions of unexplored universes, urging to the deep well of the pupil. The well he is drawn into. The abyss that is consuming and ominously inviting. The hole he is falling in.

            What if Stephen does not care?

Why am I doing this to myself? Why? Why?
Anyway... I started school yeah it's pretty chill. I probably had the best first day experience ever because this time I actually had the confidence to enjoy myself.

Change

You know how they say that it's great to listen to the songs you've listened to when you were sad and realise how happy you are now. But can we talk about being sad and listening to the music you listened to when you were happy. Yeah it's kind of heartbreaking.
I started writing again. It's great. It's frustrating. It makes me angry, but I get extremely happy whenever I use semicolons or complicated figures of speech. It's great.

“Good luck,” Stephen laughs. A small zephyr melts the heat as transparent lace-like clouds form in the pale sky. Their shadow covers up the sunned fields of wheat, creating a moment that does not bear the definition of time. It is like the conversation is omnipresent and can be found in absolutely everything. As he walks, the grey walls of dirty mundane buildings trap him in the passage of heavy memories. Every corner pierces him, reminding him of Stephen’s distant voice. He is compressed; he is trapped. The conversation haunts him. Every little word, every sentence said, every distorted sound of the poor internet connection. It is engraved in the mundane walls and the sunned fields of wheat. It is engraved in the transparent lace-like clouds. It is engraved in him.

Man, I love it. I love writing. Doodled my OCs this morning.
Also I'm almost at 1k followers on instagram! Yas! <3
Listening to music that I used to love when I still had big dreams. The taste of coffee, fur coat, the smell of winter in the dark. It hurts a bit.

IGCSE results gahhhhh!!

So I got my IGCSE results back today. Holy crappu! Didn't expect any of that. You know how I always go on about how much I hate Literature and how it's useless and all that... I spent the whole of Year 11 doing nothing in that class. Absolutely nothing. I would message Dasha, draw on my desk, stare into space. I only handed in one essay throughout the entire year and guess what?! 91%!!! What? How?
History A* was expected. I have a shrine dedicated to that subject, after all.
A for Art! What? I was aiming for like a C. Maybe a B. 86% wow!
Another pleasant surprise 68% in French! I passed! Okay, that might sound a bit pathetic, but my French grammar is awful, I can't speak it, it's my 3rd language and the exam was for native speakers. I'm so happy! <3
Now this is what shocked me the most. I got an A in Chemistry! And not just an A, an 89% A! What? I couldn't remember my ion analysis on the actual day of the exam. What sorcery is this?
Also, surprise! I didn't fail Physics! I got a B yesss! I don't even know how. I remember the day before the exam, Dasha and I tried to learn the formulae and I barely knew them. I read about the Gulags during that class! How did I get a B?
Maths didn't really surprise me.
Biology. Eh. I thought I'd get a B, but I got an A.
My highest was German. That exam was a joke.
Okay, now English language. Oh my... Basically, I wrote gay fanfiction for that exam. Gay fanfiction. That's my life achievement, okay? Like I'll put that on my CV or whatever. I can just imagine the examiner correcting my work like woah the way she compared his eyes to the blue sky is so creative dat metaphor, oh wait...They're kissing! No that's a sin! 0/10! Who am I kidding? My writing was probably bad xD But a B isn't that bad so I'm satisfied.
Moral of the story: don't take your exams seriously! ^_^ I gave up on studying and fooled around with my friends a lot, but didn't fail any of them. Also, I will never forgive the people who chose exam studying over hanging out with me. <3

I'm trash. My secret account has 400 followers now. What even? Also, I posted this pic on tumblr and it got 200 notes 0.0

Title?

So I've been studying Economics, Law and French Literature. It's going well I guess.
Started writing again, which is kind of relaxing.
Anything else?
Nah...

Suddenly, he can distinguish the familiar essence of words. They speak out of the screen with the sound of crunchy autumn leaves and the smell of fresh spring sunshine. They feel like the piercing January snow, which burns ungloved hands with the fire of coldness. They smell like morning-flavoured conditioned air and the sound of a crow’s call. They shine out of the damp-coloured darkness with the light of hope. They stand out like a peculiar-shaped purple ink blob on the boring-lined schoolbook. They are happiness. 

Oh god

Guys, guys... I now have a tumblr. Hell froze over. I have a tumblr. And not just any tumblr. A tumblr fan page. First I started writing fanfiction, now this. Someone save me. I disgust myself. I'm trash. Yeah idek...

Top 5 Books to Read

1Q84 Haruki Murakami 

To be honest, I could’ve never imagined that I would finish this 900 page novel. I remember I was at the book store with a friend and picked up 1Q84 because it was the biggest book on the shelf. Jokingly, I said that I would never be able to even get half way through it and wouldn’t expect anyone to finish it all. But, as soon as I read the first sentence, I knew that I would not be able to put it down. Why? Because Murakami is a genius. I don’t know how he does that, but the book is written in such a way that you are drawn in by its first words and can’t stop yourself from turning the pages until you reach the last sentence. The language is in no way flowery or beautiful, but its straight-forward realism gives you such a vivid description of the setting and the characters that, by the end of the book, you feel like you know them personally.

Summary: 1Q84 follows the lives of Aomame, a fitness instructor, who kills unfaithful and violent men in revenge, and Tengo, who works as a mathematics teacher at a local cram school, while writing fiction in his free time. Although very different, their destinies are intertwined in the surreal world they both end up in.

The novel doesn’t have the typical “introduction-climax-resolution” structure, but is rather like a jigsaw puzzle, in which you can’t see the complete picture, until the last piece is put into place. In other words, as you read the story, it seems like a 900-page piece of description with barely any action, until you get to the last chapter and realise that everything has reached a conclusion.

Would I recommend the book? Definitely! 1Q84 (surprisingly) doesn’t force any kind of message on you. It doesn’t have the “moral of the story” and doesn’t leave you thinking. At least, that’s what I felt after I finished it. However, it did teach me a couple of things about writing and how you can structure a piece of writing in an alternative way. (It also taught me how depressing being an adult is.)

Side note: this was the only Murakami book I’ve read, so I can’t compare it to his other work. According to many internet reviews, this isn’t his best work, but, hey, I enjoyed it.

Read here

Have I abandoned this blog?

So much has happened since my last post ahhh...
I went to Moscow with Dasha and it was amazing!!! I don't think I've ever realised how beautiful Moscow is as a city. Once I was crossing the street, looking around with round eyes and almost got hit by a car. Yep. I also got lost that day. Isn't it so embarrassing to get lost in your home city? I went around in circles and asked strangers for help. So embarrassing...
It was great living with Dasha too. We stayed at her dacha for a bit and found vinyl records, which leads me to another exciting event
I GOT A VINYL RECORD PLAYER YASSSSS
I tried being emo and ended up being a hipster
The first album I got on vinyl was The Resistance by Muse. It was a tough choice, really. Absolution has the best songs, so I was very tempted to buy it, but I've always felt this connection to The Resistance. I'll get Absolution next time. And if I buy OOS I'll have to buy BHAR too and then I'll feel bad for T2L and Showbiz so I'll buy them too. And don't forget Drones! CHF24*6=CHF144 woops I don't have enough money for that ><

What should I post on dA?

Before I write anything else, can I just say that America legalised gay marriage and it's wonderful! The world is becoming a better place! So proud of America for celebrating love <3 

In other news, I've had economics and law tutoring and it's so interesting!!! I'm so glad I picked it as a subject for next year.

Also, I feel like my deviantART account has become useless :/

Embroidery

Sometimes I remember things for no particular reason. And what I mean by that is I'll be sitting there, doing something, and then, out of nowhere, a memory comes to mind. 

Today I just can't stop thinking about this moment from my first year of school. I remember I signed up for the drawing club after school, which took place in the art room on the ground floor of the school. There weren't many people there so we all sat at the back of the classroom, facing each other around a couple if desks, which were pushed together. At the front of the classroom, however, there was another club. It was embroidery and the lady in charge of it was your typical Russian "babooska". I came to see what they were doing out of curiosity and decided to do embroidery instead of drawing. I remember the babooska told us stories about god and Jesus and Adam and Eve and the bible... For instance, I can clearly recall the moment when I was busy trying to put a piece of thread through the needle and she was telling us a story about the Babylon tower. But the memory that came to me today wasn't related to her, but another girl at the embroidery club. I have a bad memory for faces, but I know for sure that the girl was blond and had straight hair. Her name was Liza and she was in 7th Grade. I think she also had an older sister in 9th Grade. I just remember Liza sitting in front of me, asking me how school was going and whether I was enjoying it. She must be in her twenties now.

Wanting to procrastinate by reading

Here's a perfect genetically modified watermelon for your enjoyment!

Looked at the list of eBooks on my iPad, hoping to find something to read. Found the PDF of the book I had to buy a paper copy of just to tear out a page. Couldn't read it again whatsoever. 

Absolution

I fell asleep under the stars last night which was great. I was listening to "spacy" music, while looking at the stars and it was amazing. Normally, I would spend these kind of moments thinking about life, but yesterday I realised that I don't really have anything to think about anymore. I mean ever since I wrote my book, I just can't think! Maybe it's because I'm happy. 

Back

So the other day I managed to produce what looks like a story. (I got rid of it after realising how flat the characters are.) In that story, two girls go to a cafe for coffee before one of them leaves to the airport to go to England. Suddenly, one of the girls hears "Take 5" playing in the background and tells her friend about it. Just a simple story with no plot. When I went to see Yasmin on Friday, it actually happened! We weren't sitting in a cafe, but when we were walking I suddenly heard "Take 5". Yasmin is also leaving to England. News presenter's voice: coincidence? I think not.

On my way to Montenegro I finished reading "Nothing to Envy". I don't have much to say about it, apart from the fact that it's great! If I were to compare it to "Escape from Camp 14", another book I read on North Korea, "Nothing to Envy" is a lot better. A great thing about it is that as much as it talks about the regime, it isn't bias against any government system, equally criticising both the North Korean and the Western way of life. Coincidentally, as I was reading about Mrs Song's husband, who was a journalist who literally rewrote the news, I was listening to "The Resistance" by Muse. Such dystopia. Very 1984. Wow. 

Started learning economics today. Well, trying my best to. No way I'm taking history of arts next year! 

The scenery is so distracting!!! 

I described this "paysage" for my French class over 1000 times xD

Blanks

The sky looks beautiful today and I'm staring at another blank Word document. I wish there were auditions for characters so you could pick potential candidates for the main role. I hate having to struggle over something that's not supposed to be hard. Why is it that whenever I sit down to write I just get annoyed and want to flip tables? 

Talking to my past self

Last year I had an amazing summer, so, when it ended, I put all the memories (plane tickets, hotel cards, etc.) into a box to open on the 1st of June 2015. I also wrote a letter to my future self, which I found quite interesting. In that letter, I asked myself many questions, which I decided to answer here. Although this is very very narcissistic, I figured it would be fun to write some kind of response to my past self.

How did your exams go because I'm a bit stressed?
Wow, past me... Wowww.... I think I've forgotten the feeling of being stressed a long time ago. Overall, the exams went well, so don't worry too much. By the time you're on study leave, you'll be 100% ready to pass the exams, without giving a damn.
Which college are you going to?
Ha. Ha. Hmm, yeah all of your hopes and dreams will come true one day. One day. *nervous laughter*
Do you still want to be a photographer?
Ha. Ha.
Mum is wondering, how are your German grades?
What? This is so random. Well, my German exam is tomorrow. Otherwise, I think they're okay. Got a "satisfactory" for effort in all of my report cards.
What's your hight?
Tall. Just tall.
What are your political views?
Why? I don't think they've changed much since the time I wrote that letter.
What's your favourite vocaloid song? Mine is "Never".
Don't know, sorry. I don't listen to vocaloid that much any more. I've forgotten all of my favourites throughout the year.
Do you learn Japanese?
I tried. You're a huge weeaboo, you know that?

The contents of the box gave me so many feels. I wish I could go back to London. TT__TT Anyway, I think I'll make a box like that by the end of this summer as well. I wonder how much everything will change by the time it's the 1st of June 2016. The future scares me.

Watermelon

Yesterday was amazing! I had a picnic with my friends (or, as Dasha says, m8s) and I bough a watermelon yayyyyyy ^___^ Also, that edit took me ages to make.

Started using my ello acount, but I have no idea how to gain followers. 

Another thing, a guy was hitting on me yesterday and he said "hey, nice socks, are you emo?". So, yeah, I managed to look emo without even listening to MCR. BMTH is amazing, by the way!!!

Speaking of music, Muse's new song is really good! I was a bit (just a bit) disappointed with all the songs they released for "Drones", but, after listening to "Reapers", I'm sure the new album will be amazing! 

Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to keep than I thought~

Writer's block is a bitch.
Yesterday I realised how much I love listening to music at the volume of my own thoughts. In complete darkness.
I spent the night thinking about the story I'm working on right now and decided to rewrite the whole thing. I mean, yes, the 3000 words I wrote will go to waste, but it's really nothing. I think I'll also rename the main character. What kind of sad person spends the whole night thinking about how much they can relate to the main character of their novel? Ha. Ha. Ugh, I don't want the main character to be too "relatable" because then the plot will be typical. On one hand, I want the main character to be like me, but then it will be like writing about myself in third person and that's strange. But then if I write in first person I won't be able to write about all the characters at once. Also, Gerry is fun to describe, but he doesn't relate to the story! I can't just squeeze him in, can I? Ughhh what is life......I need Gerry in the story because he's an interesting character to both me and the reader. I know what his role is, but like HOW DO I DESCRIBE IT. Okay, I give up. Bye.

My history shrine

I think the pic pretty much explains itself. Tsch, who needs revision when you can make a shrine to your favourite subject instead, amirite XD No, but really, history is life.

Well I'm off to school because yesterday I was late to the exam so I should probably leave the house earlier this time. 

Also, I'm almost done with 1q84. Dammit, Murakami, teach me your ways! 

I wrote gay fanfiction for my IGCSE exam

Yep, the title says it. Now I can cross it off my bucket list!
I thought I'd pick the descriptive task on the exam because I can never think of a story, but this year the topic was perfect! I literally wrote "thank you, Cambridge" on my paper. So the story that I wrote was about Dan and Phil from youtube and how Dan had a flashback (yes, examiner, I know you like those) to when he was on his way to Manchester to meet Phil. I also included a paragraph where Dan questioned his sexuality and couldn't admit to himself that he was gay. Deep. And then I described how beautiful Phil is (ah, I've lost count of all the things I compared his eyes to). At the end of the story, Dan finally has the courage to confess his love to Phil and they kiss.
At least, I didn't write smut, okay? xD
Hey, if the examiner is homophobic then too bad. It's their problem. Because you shouldn't be!! 

My first IGCSE exam

Ah... The moment when you can't tell whether that noise is coming from the construction workers nearby or is part of the music you're listening to.
So I had my first IGCSE exam yesterday and I guess I was supposed to be all nervous and stressed out but... *starts singing Mystery Skulls* I do-o-on't really give a damn yeah~
The first exam was English and it went somewhat well. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions from what I've written because I can never tell whether I got the right points in my English summaries. It's a shame that they don't really teach you English at school nowadays. Everyone just assumes that you speak English so writing articles, interviews or summaries is common knowledge. Oh well. It's a shame that such an important subject is never taught in school properly and is taken rather lightly.
My first proper exam was today and it was History. And... I was late. My laziness doesn't know boundaries. On my way to school I got hungry so I bought myself a snack and, without even looking at my watch, continued walking slowly and calmly. My teacher was outraged and I told her that I didn't have an excuse because I couldn't be bothered to make anything up about "traffic" or "public transport delay". Luckily, I never needed the ten minutes I missed and finished the paper quite early.
I actually enjoyed the exam (which I guess is weird) because HISTORY IS LIIIIIFE!!! I was sitting there, engulfed in all these historical events, debating the importance of the Depression in Hitler's rise to power and questioning appeasement like a bo$$. I used the dollar signs ironically, don't punch me! I picked questions on the Treaty of Versailles, the Cold War and Nazi Germany. Just thought I should write it down in case I forget.
Physics paper 6 was suspiciously easy. You didn't have to know the formulae! My whole life was a lie! Before the exam, Dasha and I had pizza which was amazing!
Anyway, exams are really chill. I think I've forgotten how to stress, which is a good thing. I'm going to study for tomorrow's Bio exam so bye and have a nice day!

Umm

Today is one of those days when you just want to put your phone on silent, mute all Facebook convos and not talk to anyone. I don't know why, but I'm so tired and just want to stay under the covers in bed all day, listening to depressing 2000s music.
It's strange that I'm drinking coffee with honey while eating strawberries. Honey normally makes me sick. The strawberries taste extremely sour with the coffee, while the coffee tastes really bitter with the strawberries.
Went to Dasha's yesterday. We tried to memorise the physics formulae which wasn't so successful. I came home at around eleven and listened to MK Ultra on my way back since it's quite relaxing just like any other songs from "The Resistance".
Well I'm going to crawl back into bed and shelter myself from reality. Have a nice day!

Raspberries at the library

But first, a couple of words about physics revision *clears throat*

I tried so hard 

And got so far 

But in the end 

It doesn't even matter

Literally, the exams I'm studying for right now are not that important (even if everyone says they are) so all the revision I'm doing now will not matter in the end.
Anyway...
I want to write another book. I've been working on the book I finished really hard so now there's like an empty space in my heart *wipes tear*. I really want to write, but I don't really have a plot or anything to describe. I guess I could write fanfiction, but let's not go there........
I brought raspberries to the library today which made physics slightly better.
I decided to walk through the market on my way to the library and this really pretty woman came up to me to do some sort of survey. She asked me for my age and I guess I was too young to participate in the survey. But, yeah, she had really pretty black hair. Not beautiful, but kind of average nice black hair which I found somewhat attractive.
On my way home from badminton, a very young boy (perhaps, seven or eight) was sitting next to me. I heard his mum call him Sebastian. So, anyway, he was playing with a Bratz doll who had purple streaks in her hair. The boy sat the doll next to him and caressed her hair which seemed to have amazed him.
Why am I even writing these things down? Oh well, I'm off to bed. 

Too much physics to handle

Something is seriously wrong with my sleeping schedule. I walk around like some kind of zombie during the day and fall asleep at any occasion given. I googled ways to stake awake and apparently long walks and music are supposed to help. So I walked to the library instead of taking the tram and listened to what one would call "emo shit". 

On the way back though, there was some kind of accident with public transport so all buses and trams stopped working. When everyone gets out on the streets, you really do realise how densely populated the city I live in is. I'd love for it to always be like this because usually it resembles an empty ghost town from a zombie apocalypse movie.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I might write another book sometime soon though. In English this time. And fictional. There are so many things I want to do though, but EXAMS. I'd love to draw more as well. My absolute dream right now is to go to a coffee room when it's raining, listen to my "emo shit" and draw smutty fan art. Yeah, don't ask. 

Such end of year. Very conclusion. Wow.

So I spent about 12 hours crying yesterday because of my book. Like actual crying. Actual screaming and shouting kind of crying. I think the last time I cried like that was two years ago if not more. I never thought anyone would understand it the way I meant for it to be understood, but no. Dasha got all the little hints and things I put between the lines.
But yeah end of Year 11, huh? The last day of school was great except I felt that some people noticed me more than I wanted them to. I mean like what's the point of straight up ignoring me for the entirety of the year and only speaking to me on the last day to leave a good impression of themselves? Did these sentences even make sense? Okay, forget it.
I was very emotional when I said bye to Lily :( I love her so much!!! <3
After school my friends and I went to a cafe and talked about everything! And it was a lot of fun because I don't really have anything to lose.
Yesterday I went to town with Nina and it was raining like crazy. We talked about fanfics and ships heheh
I don't even know what to write to conclude this whole Year 11 experience. I guess I should say thanks to all my friends, but I already wrote a whole book about it. I might edit this post later though.

I hate everything about you, why do I love you?

My book is ready!!!!!! *celebration dance* I honestly can't explain how happy I am right now! This is like the first piece of writing I've ever finished! And it's 78 pages long!
Tomorrow will be the last day of school. Oh. My. Gahd. I can't believe I will have my last class in English ever. How different will things be next year?
The last week of school has been great. I got an award for being a commie who is most likely to take over the world in history class which is pretty accurate. History was by far the most enjoyable class over these past two years. I'm scared I will loose my passion for it next year though. Learning history in French doesn't sound as exciting, but who am I to judge.
I want to do something memorable tomorrow to be remembered forever. Okay, that sounded dramatic, but you know what I mean. I guess I could punch someone, but that wouldn't do any good, would it?
I think I'll save all my deep thoughts for tomorrow's post to make a proper conclusion to the year. 

I wrote a book!!!

Sorry I haven't posted in ages (I've probably said that too many times). School's been really chill lately. It's probably because the school year will be over in just under a few days. It's exciting to realise that this our last week of school. Sometimes I even want to walk up to the people I strongly despise and tell them everything I think about them, but I don't think I'll ever do it. Not because I don't have the guts to because I would literally punch someone in the face if I wanted to. I guess it's because of the idea that we might meet in a few years' time and I don't want to live a life, creating enemies on my way.
Overall, I want to say that this year has gone by with no regrets. I mean, I even managed to confess my love to someone without creating drama, so what could you possibly regret about that? And.... I wrote a book. A 19000 word book, describing the first year I spent in this school. Yep... I tried to make it as honest as possible, writing down the feelings I've had about certain events and for certain people. What am I doing with my life?
But, yeah, school's chill. I went to Dasha's place for a sleepover during the weekend with another friend whose name is also, coincidentally, Dasha. It was awesome!!! I love them both <3
Sometimes I wish someone told me that I live in the golden age and what I mean by that is I keep romanticising the past, telling myself that it's better than the present. And the reality is that I might already be living in this "perfection" which I always seem to find in the past.
Also, call me desperate, but I keep on wishing to have a friend who I'd be really close with. Like a soulmate in a way. Yeah I sound like a loner haha xD 

Complimenting strangers

So umm... I don't know how to start since I haven't posted in ages. Let's start with the fact that my friends threw a f*cking surprise birthday party for me!!! Like what???!!!! It's been a week now, but I'm still not over it. I'm not gonna go into the details of how everything happened because I've told literally everyone I know and there's no point really. I honestly didn't expect it and I'm just so happy to have people like this in my life <3 I had so much fun! Also, Dasha gave me a notebook with so many nice things written in it and I cried reading what all of these notes say. She's the best person in the world! I decided to use that notebook as a diary (no surprise there) and illustrate some of the things that happen to me every day.
The art exam went surprisingly well and it was all really chill!
The last couple of days at school before the holidays were amazing, but I don't think I should really reveal all the information about certain *cough* secret clubs and *cough* yeah who said that?
Also I think I should write about it here so I don't forget. Yesterday, being the amazing student that I am, I went to the library to study for my chemistry exam and I saw this absolutely beautiful girl on the tram, who was sitting in front of me. She was so pretty I literally could not take my eyes off her like she was that stunning! I sat there, staring at her the whole way through. I really wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, but then I just thought that it would be weird, considering how awkward I am, to tell her that, so I just... got off the tram. Yeah... Is it normal to compliment strangers? I mean should I have said anything to her without creeping her out?
Yeah I should be revising

History revision + art exam tomorrow!!!

My art exam is tomorrow!!! Wow.... Wow.... Woooowwww.....

I think this is the only year when I'm not excited for my birthday. I guess finally turning 16 is pretty cool, but eh. Gah the exam is tomorrow!!! So excited!!! 

ADJFGLJIOSDFGV;SFDJ

So it was my last art lesson today. Yup. Not stressful at all. At all. At all.... *cries in the corner*

I haven't posted anything lately because I'm kind of busy with school at the moment. And life too.

Also, I wrote a book. But, after rereading it, I realised how pointless it is so I'm going to rewrite it.

Muse released a new song and I'm so disappointed because it's just... average and meh. Like it's not at the same level as "Resistance" or "New born" or "Knights of Cydonia". But I guess we can't judge the whole album by one song and I'm looking forward to that!

Secrets! Secrets!

I think I will go to the Penguin now (that is what they call the bathroom in our institute). I will sit there until the hands on the big clock of the corridors show three minutes to five.

I feel very uncomfortable, walking down the deserted corridor. There isn’t a soul on this floor. The sound of my own steps seems unbelievably loud and makes me turn around: who is it stepping behind me?

Finally I’m at the Penguin. It is also unusually empty and quiet here. All the day students have gone home and the borders are not allowed to use this bathroom when school is over: they have their own, on the third floor.

Am I imagining this? No, I’m not – someone is crying. I walk closer. Sitting on the window still, in the deep niche of the window, there is a girl. Closing her face with her hand, she is shivering in silent crying. Tears are seeping between her fingers, dripping onto her black apron, while her other hand is squeezing a corner of the apron – as if she is falling into an abysm and is trying to hold on to something.

Carefully, I quietly touch her shoulder.

“Why are you crying?”

The girl suddenly takes the hand away from her face. She looks at me with hateful, spiteful eyes.

 “What do you need from me?” she saying hoarsely through her sobbing. “I hate you all! Everyone! Everyone and everybody! Hate so much that it hurts even here, in my throat!”

 “And me… You hate me?” I say in surprise.

I’m surprised because this girl, Sonya Pavlikhina, is almost a stranger to me just like I am a stranger to her. She’s a border, studying in the 1^st section of our 5^th year while I’m in the 2^nd section. We know each other by surname and face. But we have never said a word to one another… What does she hate me for?

Sonya Pavlikhina looks at me fixedly – eye into eye. She then, unexpectedly, pulls me towards her. I sit next to her in the window still. She hugs me, putting her head on my shoulder. With the sudden revelation of despair – as one person, who’s kept silent for too long, spits out their grief to the first person they see – Sonya Pavlikhina tells me about her misfortune.

Yesterday, on Sunday, the borders had a day of family visit – “the family day”. So many times has Sonya asked and begged her mum to not come here, the institute! Throughout the four years, mum has never been here.

They only saw each other during the summer, on holiday, when Sonya visited her mum. Sonya knew: if they saw mum, it would not end well; there will be trouble. But, recently, Sonya was sick with measles Mum found out and, of course, couldn’t resist and visited…

Because mum doesn’t have anyone in this world, except Sonya, just like Sonya has no on except mum! Mum is so weak, quiet, every drunkard can harm her. But mum can’t – she just can’t! – shout at anyone; drive the drunkards out of the pub.

I don’t understand much of Sonya’s confusing story where, for some reason, there are violent drunkards, who need to be driven out of the pub, but Sonya’s mum just can’t do that. But Sonya Pavlikhina is crying so much, squeezing my hands in a seizure, that I understand: something terrible has happened.

Why, weather?

Forget whatever I said about spring coming to my town. I woke up to see everything outside my window covered in snow. 

This week went by so quickly!

So this weird sketch is about how Dasha and I read out our amazing story in front of the class. That was fun!
I also drew phanart uh... did you hear any of that? No, I think it was the wind...
Dasha and I left school straight after lunch because who needs PSHE and Careers in their life anyway?
I've noticed quite a strange thing about the town that I live in. Spring always comes very suddenly when you least expect it.
I can't wait to finish school and move to another city. I need change in my life!

Time, whyyyy???

My life ^ 

Fifty Shades of Physics and Skype

So, the other day, I tried to revise for the Physics IGCSE exam. I tried.

Yasmin and I went to see "Fifty Shades of Grey" and it was bad at the least. Don't go see it. Seriously, don't. The only good things about the film are the soundtrack and the awesome helicopter scene. (Who wouldn't want a helicopter date?) There was no plot. It was just an abusive relationship that didn't make any sense.

I was so happy to see Yasmin again. Sometimes I wish I had more friends like her since she is just awesome ^_^ Even though we barely see each other these days (the last time I saw her was during the summer), I feel like it is amazing to have a best friend.

Also, I love long Skype calls. Vasjok and I can talk on Skype for ages. I was thinking that it would be cool to, maybe, when we are both uni students, live together for a year or a couple of months. 

I can't wait for school to be over. Next year I will (probably) go to an ordinary Swiss state college and that is not very exciting. I wanted to do A-levels and only have 4 subjects to study, but life never gives you what you want to have, does it?

Mushi-shi what

I'm on episode 4 of Mushi-shi and I don't even know what it's about. The setting is awesome, but the story is kind of pointless. It seems like the kind of anime that teaches you morals in peculiar metaphors of Japanese wisdom, but... This doesn't really have anything that I could take away from it. Basically, here's a list of things I've learnt from Mushi-shi:

1. You will die if you cut your pillow

2. If you can't hear, pour water into your ear because that will kill the Mushi

I don't know whether I should stop watching it. 

I also started watching High school of the Dead. Yay zombies! I learnt so many useful things from that anime, like the fact that bouncing boobs make a sound! The more you know! *sarcasm*

In all seriousness though, I started to wonder what would actually happen if there was a war. Really, what would happen? 

It's been a year

It's hard to imagine that the opening ceremony of the Sochi Olympic Games took place about this day exactly a year ago! So much has changed since!

There was no war in Ukraine and no one quite knew what and where Crimea is. Both Russia and Ukraine were seen so differently in the eyes of the world back then...

So much has changed in my life as well. I remember we had P.E. a couple of days before/after the Olympics started and I was sick so I didn't go. Dasha went to the dentist's and came late so she also stayed in the classroom with me. Charlie was also there and the three of us drew all over the board and laughed about Lenin or something... I think I still have a picture of those drawings somewhere. 

My god!!! AHHHH!!!! I found the picture! What the actual f@#k hahahaha

Anyways...

On the day of the opening ceremony, my maths teacher told me off for wearing a hat that said "Russia" on it to class. I found that incredibly funny.  

I wonder where I will be on this exact day next year. Who will I consider my close friends? How different will my life be?

That was deep...

I want to go on an adventure!!!

The only thing that has been on my mind these past few days is travelling! When will I finally have the opportunity to explore the world? 

I woke up at 4 today. Totally normal!

Yay weekend! Two days of sleeping and fangirling! -_-
I wish I could always get the things I want in life. But that's not how life works, is it? Sometimes I think I should become a youtuber so that I could get tons of money from just embarrassing myself on camera. I already have a talent of embarrassing myself in public so why not film it all? I'm not being serious about it, by the way.
I wonder if I'm living my life to the fullest right now. I mean I always complain about how those who have the time and money to do all these cool things don't do anything at all. There must also be many possibilities for me that I'm not aware of, right?
I really want to go travelling. To a big city with tall tall skyscrapers and wide city squares. I think that if I lived in a big city, I would go to the centrer every day and explore every bit of it. But, would I though? The town I live in isn't that small, yet I barely go outside.
I should stop writing. I sound like a spoilt brat already. 

Dystopia

I hate being involved in problems I have nothing to do with. 

I think I'm going to drop out of school next year. Oh well... Things happen.

Sometimes I feel like our world is some kind of fictional dystopia. It's fun when you read those books about other people in a crazy made-up society, but, in real life, it's just scary. I don't know what to do, but I can't do anything because I'm not given the choice to do so. Should events I have nothing to do with dictate my life? Why am I still so young? I wish I could be independent already and control life myself. Would it be easier for me to live in a less developed country so that I could get a job early on? No that doesn't make sense... There's so much I want to achieve, but I can't. Why are people so selfish? 

I find some events in my life very ironic.

Thanks, dear diary!

The little things that make my life better

I had my German oral mock exam today. I thought I messed up because (I thought that) I spoke slowly, made long pauses and didn't know what to say. The teacher had a piece of paper in front of her and I was wondering why she wasn't writing anything down. It turned out the paper was to note the errors and I only made like three! My teacher told me that I was speaking quickly and my classmates congratulated me and said that I did very well. I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. I didn't know I did so well! \o/

None of the maths teachers were here today so... This happened 

Ball of hate

Hello, friend! This is me!

All I do is hate people. Not people in general, but individuals. Why? That's just how I function.

I realised I started to analyse my life like cartoons in history class. It could be argued that, on a superficial level, so-and-so is responsible for the way my life is right now, however, when analysed in depth, it can be seen that, I, in fact, am responsible for my own problems. Speaking of history, I wrote the worst paper 2 ever this morning.

Money pisses me off so much! I wish it didn't exist! 

I really want to go to London this summer. I don't know where I can live though because I'm still technically a child. 

Still looking for a host-family in Berlin. 

I have a thing for big cities.

Is it normal not to have something you're passionate about? I mean I feel like I don't want to dedicate my life to one thing only or study only one thing in great depth. Is that normal? Because everyone is telling me that it's not and that you have to have at least one thing you're professional in, but there's nothing I have a desire to be professional in. I'm not an artist. Nor am I a scientist. I don't know ughhhh.... Why do people have the need to pressurise me into deciding what I want to do in the future? 

Monday tomorrow u_u

Captured the snowflakes outside
Spent yesterday designing my deviantART page. Too much HTML!!! Please check it out!
sonyash26.deviantart.com 

It's kind of snowing

Finished "Kino's Journey". The last episode... Jeez!

!¡!SPOILER ALERT!¡!

________________________

Basically, in the last episode, Kino visits a wonderful country where people are very friendly. She finds it strange because the country has a bad reputation amongst travellers; the food is known to be bad and the travellers are not treated well by the citizens. After three days, Kino, as usual, leaves the country and is woken up by a volcano eruption. She observes the country being submerged under lava, but can do nothing to help. Kino opens the letters the citizens of the country gave her and discovers that they knew there was going to be an eruption, but none of them wanted to leave since it was their home. Instead, they decided to change their attitude towards travellers so that they could be remembered.

________________________

I wonder what my life would be like if I knew that I was going to die in a couple of days. I'd probably have a list of things I want to do and no longer be afraid of anything. But then I feel guilty for saying that because there's nothing stopping me from doing all these things at this moment now. 

Nah... Even if I were to die the next day, I still wouldn't do that Biology homework. 

Idek

So Monday is over. 

I guess people are most proud of things they've never really had before but were able to achieve. 

Like if I've never had friends, I'd be really proud of the friendly relations I have with my classmates. And if I've never had the best health, I'd be the most proud of not getting sick. If I was never able to achieve the highest grade, I'd be proud of acing a test. If I've never been in a successful relationship, the biggest thing I would be proud of is finding someone I love.

When I say "proud of", I sort of mean being so satisfied with myself to the extent of always talking about it (boasting almost). 

Don't know if that makes sense. 

Ugh whatever

KagePro

Watched Mekakucity Actors all day yesterday and, to be honest, I didn't understand any of it. Every time a song would come on, I'd get goosebumps. Kagerou Project is the best!

The other day I wrote about ravens and moving swings. Déjà vu much?

Started watching Kino's Journey today and it's a-ma-zing! 

90s much heheh

I'm up to date with One Piece!!!! 

Ravens

I saw the strangest thing in literature class yesterday. There were two large ravens outside, as black as death, that were hopping around the empty primary section playground. There was absolutely no wind, but the two swings on the playground were swinging up and down as if someone was sitting on them. The two birds suddenly disappeared, but the swings would not slow down or stop moving even when the lesson ended! They just continued swinging up and down as if there was someone on them! [insert religious/spiritual quote about spirits and souls here]

High expectations?

Something that stood out to me today was the fact that there were Ukrainians on the same bus as me when I was on my way to badminton. There was a father and his two children who were speaking a mixture of Ukrainian and Russian and I found it slightly entertaining. I love it how I can sort of understand other Slavic languages without being able to speak them. Speaking of Slavs, my cousin has this festival at her school where each class has to represent some kind of Slavic nation. Her class is representing Ukraine. I wish we had that kind of stuff at my school. The closest thing we have to a festival is... Umm.... Exams

The hardest decision I have to make at the moment is whether I am going to take the Art IGCSE exam or not. I think I just have impossibly high expectations for myself. And that eventually leads to self-diappointment and, consequently, to self-hate. 

I started to wonder what it would be like if some of my classmates, including me, became political leaders in the future. I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face during a conference with, for example, Rosa. Just imagine trying to decide what to do with a certain country's future in some kind of treaty with one of your friends, constantly interrupting the conversation by yelling "uh sssanctions!!!" and laughing, falling off your chair, mumbling something incomprehensible about maths. But, on a serious note though, what would happen if a friend of mine became a nationalist dictator and I, being the glorious leader of a world superpower, had to stop them to save Europe's future? Okay I should stop... 

I have no idea what I'm doing

So I'm just... Lost
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's probably because of the art exam since, in theory, I have everything planned out, but, in reality, it just consists of, as my French teacher would say, "blah blah pour rien dire".
History class was rather entertaining today because we acted out the Yalta conference. I didn't know what to say so I just sat and watched. Some people can get on my nerves just because they are present in the room.

I started hearing bells and the top of my laptop and the piece of paper on the wall started shaking. 

Good hair day

^ title says it all \(^3^)/

Got an A* in my History mock!!! An A frickin star! It made my day!

(Physics grades don't really matter...... Riiiiiiight......? TTATT) 

I wish I lived in the world of One Piece. That's a really weeboo thing to say, but, think it about! It would be so cool to find nakama and travel the world with no money required. I could just get a boat and leave it to luck.

Poketto no coin soreto you wanna be my friend

Dasha is the best person in the world ^_^ She's one of the few people who really understands me.

I wish I wasn't forced to know certain things and get involved in things I don't want to get involved in. 

13-year-old me thought that it's better to live by only following your feelings. I wish I don't turn into that kind of person ever again. 

I am not an artist

Yesterday was a good day. Lily, Tinbite, Mickael and I went shopping and went to Frenchy's birthday party in the evening. While waiting for the bus, Tinbite and I got hit on by 12-year-old boys who only knew a couple of English words and wanted our numbers. We also witnessed a person injecting herself who got arrested at the trainstation. The day was quite eventful.

I'm still very lost in terms of the art IGCSE exam. I wish I was an arty person. Maybe I shouldn't have taken Art in the first place since I will probably not get an A* in the exam. By now my brain should, in theory, be exploding with ideas, but, in reality, the only thing I did/am planning on doing is research and planning. I don't even know what to sketch or draw. I need the Ato Ato no mi!

Tinbite asked for a tag so here it is! I have created the official Tinbite tag! 

I hate my past self

Vasjok left this morning so now I'm kind of lonely.

Yesterday evening we had our last conversation and talked about many different things. I hope she will use my amazingly successful love advice since, you know, I'm amazing at love confessions and all. 

Vasjok absolutely loves reading my old magazines, but the thing is that they are on the same shelf as all of my past diaries and notebooks. I told her that she can read any of them since I've changed a lot over the last couple of years, but letting another person read my past-self's thoughts was harder than I thought. I spent the rest of the evening cringing over what I've written when I was about nine. Back then I must've thought I was this cool popular kid, but when I look at the ideas I had back then I just want to live the rest of life in a dark corner, shamefully cringing over my past self. 

I had a go at re-reading the diary (which I posted about ages ago) I had in 4th Grade and I have to admit I wasn't so bad at story writing back then. I wrote this whole story about a boy called Timophey who lived in the country and had purple eyes because he was some sort of angel or something. Yes, I admit, the plot is terrible, but it all flows unlike my writing now. I had to describe a boy who was walking to school at a snail's pace in English class today and, to my embarrassment, had to read it out loud. Where did my good writing skills disappear off to? 9-year-old me, teach me your ways!

Also, Dasha, Vasjok and I went to Starbucks yesterday and the two of them bonded against me! It all turned into a conversation about how stupid and how much of an idiot I am. Ah, how much I love Dasha! 

The end is near

Well that was a dramatic title. I wanted to call this post "end of holiday" but Rosa came to the conclusion that I'm all mysterious so there.... Dramatic title!

I'm stuck in the mountains until Thursday so I didn't go to school today. 

Remembered it was Christmas Eve a few minutes ago. Good thing I don't do Christmas.

I want to travel. I keep in thinking about it. I really really want to travel. 

It's a good thing that the school year is almost over (relatively). I can now concentrate on exams only and spend the rest of my nights at the library without worrying about my lack of social life.

Visited this really cute village in the mountains under the name of Chamonix. There were so many Russians, I couldn't feel all bilingual and unique. Eventually, everyone will become one with Russia. Ah Hetalia... 

Will be at school on Thursday. I don't even know if it will be worth going there. I shouldn't say that since I just had a conversation with someone about being grateful.

Premium Membership!!!

So I've been exploring all the cool features premium deviants have on deviantART and customising my page. Check it out!!! I made these cool button things with CSS (or HTML or whatever it's called) and I kinda feel like some sort of programmer. Heheheh...

Click me!

Anyways...

Vasjok's skiing and most of the snow has melted and been washed away by the rain. Oh well.

I started working on my Art exam. Well, kind of. Being the smart person I am, I didn't bring any art supplies with me to the mountains.
More shameless advertising

New Year yayyyy

So I celebrated New Year a couple of da... yesterday actually. It was a lot of fun since my cousin was there. She told me all those cool stories about her school. So much drama! My school is so boring compared to hers. Everyone in my class is so mature -_- She told me that a teacher threw (literally threw) one of the students outside because he swore at her! I guess it's a good thing that this doesn't happen at my school, but I wouldn't be complaining if it did =P
Here's a cute pic of us <3

P.S. I got deviantART premium membreship!!! sonyash26.deviantart.com